Why do people stay in a relationship? Regardless of the type of relationships that we have and maintain, we stay in them because we get a lot of benefits from them. This may sound too practical and seemingly callous and cold. One might argue and say "What about love? People stay in a relationship because of love". Although the romantic side of us would probably insist that we keep a relationship out of love, in essence we do "love" someone because we have realized that a lot would be gained in "loving" that certain person. At least this is what the "Minimax Theory" (social exchange theory) in psychology proposes.
According to this theory, we perform a series of "cost-benefits analysis" before we decide to enter and maintain any relationship. If we see that there are more benefits and rewards to be reaped from a certain relationship with somebody, then the likelihood of us establishing and sustaining that relationship is high. As a guiding principle of relationships, it states that we only desire to maintain relationships that provide us with the maximum gains and the minimum costs and/or losses.
The theory actually makes a lot of logical sense although it somehow strips away the romanticized notion of love and falling in love, and reduces it to a business proposition. We all have needs and we all possess something that others may specifically need. Hence in love relationships in particular, we seek the person(s) that ultimately would provide most of our needs and would require us the minimum cost to have those needs met. Benefits and costs can pertain to both physical and abstract aspects (i.e. material, sex, emotional etc.).
From this perspective, love and loving someone is seen as a decision more than a feeling. And so when people say that they have fallen out of love for each other, it may simply mean that they no longer feel that neither could satisfy most of their needs the most, and/or it has become too costly and no longer worth the benefits that they are getting from it. Thus, we have the phrase "she/he/ the relationship is becoming (too ) high maintenance".
Given that a growing number of marriages end up in divorce, this theory provides us a better handle in understanding where our martial issues are coming from. It is true that is easier to fall in and out of love than staying in love, because every day we consciously or unconsciously make that cost-benefit evaluation of our relationships. The challenge therefore lies in finding more reasons as to why we should stay and keep a relationship or making those reasons happen if we find ourselves wanting for one.
According to this theory, we perform a series of "cost-benefits analysis" before we decide to enter and maintain any relationship. If we see that there are more benefits and rewards to be reaped from a certain relationship with somebody, then the likelihood of us establishing and sustaining that relationship is high. As a guiding principle of relationships, it states that we only desire to maintain relationships that provide us with the maximum gains and the minimum costs and/or losses.
The theory actually makes a lot of logical sense although it somehow strips away the romanticized notion of love and falling in love, and reduces it to a business proposition. We all have needs and we all possess something that others may specifically need. Hence in love relationships in particular, we seek the person(s) that ultimately would provide most of our needs and would require us the minimum cost to have those needs met. Benefits and costs can pertain to both physical and abstract aspects (i.e. material, sex, emotional etc.).
From this perspective, love and loving someone is seen as a decision more than a feeling. And so when people say that they have fallen out of love for each other, it may simply mean that they no longer feel that neither could satisfy most of their needs the most, and/or it has become too costly and no longer worth the benefits that they are getting from it. Thus, we have the phrase "she/he/ the relationship is becoming (too ) high maintenance".
Given that a growing number of marriages end up in divorce, this theory provides us a better handle in understanding where our martial issues are coming from. It is true that is easier to fall in and out of love than staying in love, because every day we consciously or unconsciously make that cost-benefit evaluation of our relationships. The challenge therefore lies in finding more reasons as to why we should stay and keep a relationship or making those reasons happen if we find ourselves wanting for one.
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