Are you in an "Interfacial" Marriage?

Are you in an inter-facial marriage? Yes, you heard it right -- "interfacial", a term that I read from an article in the Time Magazine (July 2007). According to the author, you are in an "interfacial" marriage if your spouse is not within your level of looks or "hotness" category. She calls this the "last taboo" and to further elaborate, she provided examples of famous couples with such a union such as: Donald and Melania Trump, Franklin and Eleanor Roosevelt, Queen Victoria and Prince Albert, and so forth. To put it bluntly, in an interfacial marriage, one's partner is a lot more good-looking than the other (at least from the perspective of people around them).

Which brings me to a discussion of beauty and physical attraction. What makes a person beautiful?

Although physical beauty is probably the strongest basis for initial attraction, whether or not we end up in a relationship with someone is largely determined by our similarity towards one another. Physical appearance is but one aspect of what makes a person beautiful to others, and what we find physical attractive is very subjective and highly influenced by a lot of factors: biology, socialization, values, and culture. Furthermore, we look for someone who could meet most of our needs - regardless of the fact that the person may or may not be "as attractive" as we are.

Social psychologists propose that there are three aspects of attraction:

a) Person's Attractiveness - aspects of a person that we find attractive
b) Propinquity/Proximity - functional space or distance i.e. we often end up liking people that we frequently work with or spend time with.
c) Similarity - when we perceive others are more similar to us, we end up being attracted to them more.

Hence why we end up being with our partners is a result of the inter-play of the above three factors.

Now going back to the Time magazine article. It is obvious that the essay is a shallow attempt to make light of the author's own insecurities perhaps since she claims she is in an interfacial marriage herself. Personally, I think this creates more stereotypes and labels that prevent us from seeing people for their complete worth. This article unfortunately perpetuates and sadly reinforces the notion that public perceptions and judgment are very important even when it comes to your personal choices in life.

So what if you are in an interfacial, inter-religion, inter-racial (and what have you) marriage? What is important is it is a choice you have made and you are happy with it. What the public thinks does not really matter.

But you already know that. . . don't you?

Our Culture Breeds Violent Men

In my previous work as a crisis counselor, I encountered a number of cases of physical and sexual abuse. I met very young children who were victims of incest (abused by their fathers, uncles, grandfathers, step-father etc.) as well as women who were victims of domestic violence. Although I abhor all forms of violence and support all of its victims (regardless of race, age, or gender), I have observed that most victims of violence are often the women and children. Why is this so?

One explanation that seems to hold a lot of weight is that most of modern cultures are patriarchal in nature. In a culture of patriarchy, men's property rights extend to (and over) both women and children. Hence, men have more power and control as well as privileges than the women.

There are many factors which I think contribute to why women in most societies are often the victims of violence. In this post, I will discuss one, which is the influence of Family Socialization and Parenting Style in a Patriarchal Culture.

According to Bandura's "Social Learning Theory", a child learns to behave aggressively through observation and imitation of aggressive behavior. Parents may reinforce aggressive behavior directly through their own examples, or indirectly when it is seen in the context of "standing up" for himself (herself) instead of being a "cry baby". Hence "crying" is seen as a sign of weakness and often associated with a girl's behavior, while aggression in males are more tolerated and in some degrees expected.

In a patriarchal culture, men are generally socialized to be more aggressive than the females. This could be observed for example, in the types of toys and games that we encourage our children to play with early on in their childhood (i.e. toy guns, balls, trains, trucks for our sons, while dolls, toy houses, and the like for our daughtersa). Similarly, we are more tolerant of our sons when they engage in rough play ("boys will be boys") since we expect that it goes with the territory of being males. Hence, early on, we are already socializing and preparing them to their stereotyped gender roles - for the boys to be strong and aggressive, and for the girls to be nurturing, weak and emotional.

In dating relationships, the males are expected to be the "pursuers" and the women are the "pursued". Although this practice is slowly changing, this is still the norm especially in most Asian countries. Similarly, there is a belief that women initially "play hard to get" when they turn down men who pursue them. Men on the other hand, find this as a challenge and "push" harder. When taken to the extreme, this leads to date rape and the perpetuation of the rape myth that "women mean yes when they say no".

Furthermore, the sense of "ownership" that males feel over their wives/girlfriends/daughters/sisters etc. somehow also provides them justification for domestic violence. Because of this unequal power relationship, women are more prone to abuse than the men.

This is one of the reasons why I think our culture breeds violent men . . . any violent reactions?!

Minimax Theory in Love Relationships: Why We Choose to Stay or Leave

Why do people stay in a relationship? Regardless of the type of relationships that we have and maintain, we stay in them because we get a lot of benefits from them. This may sound too practical and seemingly callous and cold. One might argue and say "What about love? People stay in a relationship because of love". Although the romantic side of us would probably insist that we keep a relationship out of love, in essence we do "love" someone because we have realized that a lot would be gained in "loving" that certain person. At least this is what the "Minimax Theory" (social exchange theory) in psychology proposes.

According to this theory, we perform a series of "cost-benefits analysis" before we decide to enter and maintain any relationship. If we see that there are more benefits and rewards to be reaped from a certain relationship with somebody, then the likelihood of us establishing and sustaining that relationship is high. As a guiding principle of relationships, it states that we only desire to maintain relationships that provide us with the maximum gains and the minimum costs and/or losses.

The theory actually makes a lot of logical sense although it somehow strips away the romanticized notion of love and falling in love, and reduces it to a business proposition. We all have needs and we all possess something that others may specifically need. Hence in love relationships in particular, we seek the person(s) that ultimately would provide most of our needs and would require us the minimum cost to have those needs met. Benefits and costs can pertain to both physical and abstract aspects (i.e. material, sex, emotional etc.).

From this perspective, love and loving someone is seen as a decision more than a feeling. And so when people say that they have fallen out of love for each other, it may simply mean that they no longer feel that neither could satisfy most of their needs the most, and/or it has become too costly and no longer worth the benefits that they are getting from it. Thus, we have the phrase "she/he/ the relationship is becoming (too ) high maintenance".

Given that a growing number of marriages end up in divorce, this theory provides us a better handle in understanding where our martial issues are coming from. It is true that is easier to fall in and out of love than staying in love, because every day we consciously or unconsciously make that cost-benefit evaluation of our relationships. The challenge therefore lies in finding more reasons as to why we should stay and keep a relationship or making those reasons happen if we find ourselves wanting for one.

ADHD Treatment and Options

In my previous post, I wrote about several symptoms of ADHD and the importance of seeking professional help if you suspect that your child might have it. I likewise mentioned in general the various interventions used in dealing with its symptoms. Below, I will describe the various approaches and modalities that I am familiar with which are being used in helping a child with ADHD:

1. Counseling and therapy

Children with ADHD need to develop insight on why they may behave "differently" from others and to be taught strategies in regulating their behaviors. Often, I have encountered parents who are frustrated with their children who do not seem to "listen". They expect their children to behave (i.e. sit quietly, stop running around, etc.) after several warnings and though their children attempt to do so, they are often angered to find out that the "good behavior" is very temporary. Hence, they find themselves constantly scolding their children and/or nagging them. What they fail to understand is that children with ADHD have the urges and impulses to be active and that when they start fidgeting, or running around again, it is not completely because they are testing limits. They simply might not have no idea as to how to divert the excessive energy they have into something more acceptable and/or productive.

Sometimes, parents resort to threatening their children since they they feel that it seems to be the only effective way of keeping them in line. Children with ADHD on the other hand feels confused and helpless since though they feel they are trying to "behave", they still end up getting in trouble one way or another for any of the following reasons: constantly forgetting their assignments, failing to do their chores, being too rough or active, being too noisy or inattentive in class, etc. As they continually "disappoint" their significant others and authority figures (parents, teachers, caregivers etc) and get punished for this, it leads to a downward spiral of anger and confusion in both the parents and child. Eventually, other problems develop such as low self-esteem, low grades, negative attitude towards school and family etc.

Occupational Therapy, Counseling and use of Behavior Modication Techniques are helpful in helping children develop alternative ways of behaving and regulating their impulses. Similarly, family counseling can be beneficial in creating family interactions that are positive and supportive to each other, particularly to the child with ADHD. Parents are taught skills on how to enforce limits and help a child with ADHD develop a positive self-image. Furthermore, counseling goals for a child with ADHD could include: increasing frustration tolerance, teaching better planning and organizing skills, improving study habits, improving self-esteem, etc.

Among the advantages of this type of intervention are: a) Helps the family and the child with ADHD to develop awareness and insight on the symptoms of ADHD and its consequences. Child is imparted with life skills that are useful long-term; and b) No internal side effects on the body.

However, the positive effects and results are not not instant or immediate. Hence it is time-consuming and can be quite expensive. Furthermore, the results vary depending on the commitment of the child (family) to attend regular counseling and/or therapy, as well as on the skills of the therapist. In addition, counseling may not be very effective for children with severe symptoms of hyperactivity, inattention and impulsivity.

2. Drugs

There are several drugs that are being prescribed for children with ADHD. In the past, Ritalin was the most common drug that was used to help minimize the symptoms of ADHD particularly the hyperactivity, inattention and impulsivity. Now, new drugs have been developed which apparently have less side effects than Ritalin such as Strattera and Concerta, among others. Regardless of the type and brand of drugs that you would use, it is important to note that these drugs should be prescribed by a qualified health professional (developmental pediatrician or pediatrician) in order to determine the right dosage that is appropriate for your children.

For most of the cases, the effects of the drugs on a child's behavior are quite immediate and these behavioral changes are usually readily observed by the parents (i.e. less active, more focus in studying which is eventually translated to better grades, less impulsive, etc.). However, these positive effects are not long-lasting. Hence, as soon as the drugs wear off, the symptoms again manifest. This, as well as their side effects of long term-use are among their disadvantages, not to mention the high expenses if you do not have health insurance coverage.

3. Neurotherapy
An alternative to medication is neurotherapy. Some parents who do not wish to have their children medicated can opt for this intervention which involves brainwave biofeedback. Since ADHD is a considered to be a nuerologic disorder, particularly involving abnormal electrical brain activity, neurotherapy is used to re-train the abnormal brain waves. This procedure is not invasive and has long-term effects. Minimum number of sessions range from 20-40 depending on the severity of the symptoms. This approach has produced promising results with continuous feedback, coaching and practice.

Past researches (as well as personal experience working with children with ADHD) suggest that the most effective approach is usually the combination of one or two forms of intervention i.e. use counseling, behavior modification with medication or neurotherapy.

Does My Child Have ADHD?

ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) has become a label that is often freely used by most people nowadays. I have heard people who used this label to describe someone who seems to be inattentive and/or restless, or a describe a child who is constantly misbehaving. So what is ADHD? How can you tell if your child might have ADHD and needs further evaluation?

First off, let me clarify that ADHD is not an illness but a disorder that is neurologic in nature. Hence unlike most illnesses that have cures, ADHD is considered to be a lifetime disorder and cannot be cured (unless new and innovative research would prove otherwise). It is not a fever that would go away once you pop in a pill. For most cases (except for brain injury or toxins acquired prenatally or postnatal), a person is either born with it or not. Hence, heredity plays a big role in the picture.

People born with ADHD are often observed to have poor ability to focus or sustain their interests in doing certain tasks. They are easily bored, tend to get easily distracted, hyperactive, have poor impulse control, and often forgetful. They usually have a high craving for constant stimulation and most are risk takers. It is therefore understandable that most ADHDs would have difficulty in sustaining an 8am-5pm routine job unless it provides them the stimulation that they need.

For very young children, symptoms of hyperactivity could be in the form of very high motor activity (running around, cannot sit still, very fidgety, restlessness). Manifestations of impulsivity could be through: talking incessantly and/or blurting out things even if not asked, poor waiting or turn-taking skills. For inattention, manifestations include: constantly losing things (whether at school or any other place), forgetfulness, clumsiness (toppling/falling over things, breaking things, getting involved in minor accidents). Because they get easily bored, they tend to be very impatient and have poor frustration tolerance (temper tantrums, easily angered, hitting even for some). For parents of these young children, the experience of rearing them without professional support could be emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausting.

Children with ADHD who do not receive appropriate interventions often develop other personal and social problems in the future such as low self-esteem, poor grades, oppositional disorder, addictions, lack of career direction, depression and so forth.

Although I have mentioned earlier that it has no cure, there are numerous interventions available in order to manage its symptoms. Children with ADHD can lead normal lives, attend regular school and be successful. Depending on the severity of the symptoms, behavior modification techniques, therapy and counseling, and/or medications (Ritalin, Concerta, Strattera, among others), as well as neurotherapy, can be used to help children with ADHD cope and manage their disorder. What is important is knowing and seeking the appropriate forms of interventions available and TAKING ACTION AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.

In my experience, some parents find it difficult to accept that their child might have ADHD and would refuse any form of intervention suggested to them. This to me is a bigger problem than the diagnosis itself. In a way, their reaction is quite understandable since most often than not, they associate an ADHD diagnosis as a warrant of doom for their children. Maybe it stems from the stigma that most people associate with any form of mental disorder and illnesses. I guess the stereotypes that we have towards mental health issues prevent most parents to see beyond the labels and take stock of what actually could be done to manage the disorder.

Early detection and appropriate intervention(s) are crucial keys in helping your children if you suspect that they might have ADHD. Seek professional help and do not hesitate to do your own research. Knowing and accepting that there is a problem is already winning half of the battle.

In my next post, I will be discussing specific forms of interventions, effects and pros and cons of each, as well as personal experiences in dealing with children/adolescents with ADHD.

My Johari Window

Johari Window is a model used to describe the process of human interactions. It was named after the first names of its inventors, Joseph Luft and Harry Ingham.

Basically, this model can be likened to a window with four panes: open, blind, hidden and unknown. Our self-awareness are measured according to how big each of these panes are. Simply put, there are some aspects about ourselves that are open to us and for others to see, in the same way that there are aspects about us that we may be blind to but are known to people around us. In addition, there are simply things about us that we keep hidden to people, secrets that we guard maybe out of fear that they would treat us differently or reject us once they find out about them. Lastly, there are still aspects about us that are still unknown, even from ourselves, and waiting to be discovered.

Personally, I find this model extremely useful as I navigate through the often convoluted process of human interactions. Sigmund Freud (one of the influential figures in psychology) theorized that our consciousness is like the tip of the iceberg, and that the big chunk of the iceberg which is submerged in water is our unconscious that remains hidden. It is said that self-awareness is the first step towards better interaction with others. What we know about ourselves, what others know about us and what we do with that knowledge and awareness are keys in better understanding our humanity and what bonds us together. Indeed, life is a never ending quest to know oneself, for it is in knowing ourselves that we get to know others.