Stress Eating

Just exactly 7 days to go before the GRE General Exam. I am already in "panic mode" and have developed very unhealthy ways of coping with my test anxiety. For one, I have been gaining a lot of weight. Partly because I study in fast food joints in the early morning and have been eating more junk food than normal. Coupled with that is my increasing and big appetite. I think this is what people call "stress eating". I deal with my anxiety by eating. Indeed a very bad habit to develop!

I read that when you are under high levels of stress, your body's immune system gets affected. It makes it harder for your body to digest food properly -break down the sugar since the sympathetic nervous system is activated ("fight or flight"). If a person is not under stress, the parasympathetic nervous system is at work which is in charge of resting and digesting(sorry, this is info is still after effect of my Neuropsych review and exam last Sat). Hence, prolonged stress coupled with unhealthy diet could lead to diabetes and/or other health problems.

So now, aside from the exam, I am starting to get paranoid that I might have diabetes. Maybe I am just over reacting but I feel that I really need to start getting serious with my diet and lifestyle.

Although New Year is still more than a month away, I have made the following resolutions:

1. Walk daily (ideally) for at least 15-30 minutes (brisk walking). If not possible, at least every other day.

2. Avoid junk food and fast food after next week.

3. Add more fiber in my diet - fruits and vegetables.

4. Have myself screened for diabetes.

5. Avoid Coke, artificial juice. Drink more water and/or fresh fruit juices or shakes.

6. Avoid eating snacks. If I really feel the hunger pangs, just eat a cracker or fruit or drink fresh juice.

7. Avoid skipping meals. I notice that when I skip meals, I tend to eat more.

My goal is to lose at least 5 pounds this month and another in December. Hopefully, I can do it with discipline and serious determination.

Wish me luck!

MY GRE SAGA

Yesterday, I completed the GRE Advance Subject Test in Psychology and though I am relieved, I still have the GRE General Test to worry about. I have exactly 10 days before my test date and I am again (as usual) starting to feel panicky.

As I wrote in my previous post, I am a self-confessed "crammer". I am not proud of it but it seems that I do better when I cram. I think I did fairly well in the Pysch test considering I read an entire Psych intro book by McGraw (about 650 pages, not including the glossary of terms) in just two days before the exam.

However, last night, I had a mild (or was it moderate?) "panic attack" over the GRE General Test. I found out that starting this November, there would be new questions for the Verbal and Quantitative sub-tests which would make the questions more difficult. Since I was previously preparing for the Psychology exam, I have not really studied for this test yet and I felt that 10 days would not be enough preparation time. I had 3 options:

Option 1: Study seriously and take the test on the scheduled date, Nov. 14

Option 2: Pay extra $50 and re-schedule for first week of December. I need to do this at least 10 days before my test date lest I forfeit my $170 test fee. I already e-mailed them to ask if this is still possible for me but have not received a reply yet. . .

Option 3: Have my husband take the GRE on Nov 14 also so we could both seriously study for it together. (I need someone to help me focus since I get distracted with work, and other things. .. .). However, my husband feels he needs more preparation time since he works more hours than me and feels tired to study in the evening.

And so I am back to option 1: study and take the test on Nov. 14.

Then to motivate me, my husband decided that we should have a bet and see who gets the higher GRE score. But I already know he will get higher - for one, he is very good in Math while I am so terrible in it. And second, he is also good in English - he used to teach English as a second language in a private and elite university in our area. His part-time job also involves teaching Math and English to H.S. students of an international school. And although we speak to each other in English primarily than our own native languages (since we have an inter-racial marriage), I think he has better facility with the language having studied and lived in various countries during his formative years.

So instead of motivating me, I feel more anxious. I wrote in my earlier blog that a certain sense of panic is important for me to get to work. But the panic that I am feeling now isn't the healthy kind. I feel like crying while writing this and just thinking about the coming exam. (I think I am going nuts!)

It doesn't help that when I posted a discussion on GRE at MyLot, I received 3 or 4 out of 5 replies who said that they didn't even study for the GRE and they got perfect scores in Math (800). One tried to encourage me by reminding me that I am "Asian" and that "we never worry about Math." The thing is, I am Asian but I am the Asian who sucks at Math!

To add to my already low self-esteem, I was seated beside this young Math professor (we both graduated from the same university) yesterday during the GRE Subject exam. Obviously he was taking the GRE Advance Subject Test in Math and after we finished the exam, I asked him if he has already taken the GRE General. He said he did but is considering re-taking.

I was quite surprised and told him so: You are a Math professor from "XX" (our university is considered the "premier university" in the country and known for very good Math and Science programs), I am sure Math wasn't a problem for you. And then he told me he got 750 in English and "Only" 710 in Math! I guess he found his scores "low" and he wanted to re-take the test. Maybe because he is a Math professor in a prestigious university which happened to be his alma mater, nothing was good enough except a perfect score of 800.

Now, tell me why I should not panic!

Door in the Face Technique: The Fastfood Experience

"Do you like to have peach mango pie to go with your order ma'am?"
Me: No, I just want the cheese burger and coke float.

"How about extra fries?"
Me: Uh. . . (grudgingly) I guess ok, extra fries.

"Large fries?"
Me: Uh. . . (what the heck) ok make it large fries.

The above is actually one of the common conversations that I have every time I order at fast food restaurants. Since I have been reviewing for my GRE exams, I have been frequenting a lot of these joints to study because there are simply too many distractions for me at home.

Now, I am not actually an avid fan of fast food -I know that all the fried food isn't healthy for me. But since the McDonalds in our area is just 10 minutes walk from where I live, I have been frequenting this joint for about over a month now. Needless to say, my weight has increased a whole lot as a result of my "stress eating" and eating all the fries that I could handle.

Anyway, before actually entering McDonalds, I pysche myself up to just order what I really want to eat. I have noticed that I tend to order more than I actually want and could eat. And the same thing would happen:

1. The young crew would smile that sweet friendly smile and would ask me for my food order,

2. I'd be forced (if I am not in the mood) to smile back since it seems impolite not to return
the smile.

3. I would give my order (my defenses disarmed) and she would innocently offer that I try
their promo product or the pie or the sundae.

4. I tell myself and her: NO, thanks but I don't want it.

5. But the girl would not be daunted. Instead of just letting it go, she would offer another
alternative for me like to upsize my drinks or get a small fries, or to get a vanilla sundae
cone instead of the regular sundae.

6. I would feel my defenses crumbling down and would find myself giving in to her.(And end up with extra calories than what I was prepared to take in . . . )

Actually most sales marketers employ this tactic which is apparently proven effective by research. Social psychologists call this tactic the "Door in the Face" technique. According to research, we often given in to smaller favors requested from us by a person whose bigger request we have turned down initially.

I don't know about others but I definitely see this technique at work every time I enter any fast food joint. It made me thinking, are people generally embarrassed to say NO to someone twice in a row? Others would say it is similar to a compromise, when someone asks you of a big thing but later on agrees to lessen his/her demands, we are able to give in. But is it because we want to give in and please the person or we are simply wired to somehow give in? Does society dictates this on us that we have unconsciously been socialized to fall for this technique over and over again? Or am I just such a "people pleaser"?

Whatever the reason is, McDonalds will no longer hold me hostage with this tactic. Tomorrow, I will put my resolve to test.

P.S. Wish me luck! :)

Adrenaline Rush

Nine more days before I take the GRE Advance Subject Test (Psychology). Needless to say, I am starting to have panic attacks. Technically, I have not seriously prepared for it. Being a "crammer" all my student life, I guess old habits are hard to change. I have been fighting the complacency and forcing myself to read materials for the test. The thing is I need to ace the exam so that I could make it to good universities in the US and eventually get some teaching assistantship.

People who found out that I plan to take doctoral studies in psychology often always ask me why I have to still take further studies. But why not? I have made it to MA, might as well get a doctoral degree. So last June, I resigned from the university since I told myself that I would use the free time to prepare (who was I kidding?!) for the GRE General and Suject Test . Math has always been my waterloo and the last time I had math subjects was almost 10 years ago. And being out of school for two years, I feel that I have become "rusty". Hence I rationalized my resigning for work as something I needed to do for the GRE.

I did have a lot of free time on my hands after giving up 2 projects (field research and writing projects) BUT I have not utilized it wisely. Although I told myself I was not going to cram, I guess as the cliché goes, time flies! (so fast).

And so here I am. With nine days to go, I am starting to be anxious. Strangely enough, I actually need this feeling of anxiety. I think it is healthy in minimal doses since it always makes me roll up my sleeves and get down to serious business. I tend deliver more when I feel the pressure is mounting. And oftentimes, I find myself churning out better work when "pushed to the wall" than if I had a long time to prepare it. (But maybe because the only time I work is when I am already at almost deadline time:).

Paradoxical? I guess not. In times of stress, the sympathetic nervous system triggers the release of adrenaline(I read that somewhere in my prep book). The adrenaline is both a neurotransmitter and a hormone that regulates the body's "fight or flight response. This could explain why a small frail woman caught in fire was able to push the piano out of her house and carry out various appliances! (It's a true story that I read in the news some time ago. . .)

In my case, taking the GRE exams is the stressor - and before, my response was to avoid it (flight). But now that I have only 9 days to go (of which half would be devoted to work - I do need the income since I have given up projects. .. .), I really have no choice but to face it (fight) and deal with it by studying.

I think this could explain why some people develop the habit of cramming. When you feel pressured, the sudden rush of adrenaline gives you a natural high, keeps you in a certain state of vigilance (depending on the type of stress you encounter) and focus. This is precisely what I need right now, sort of a sugar or caffeine fix but in a more sustained manner.

So how do I get to focus? One is to think of the $150 I spent for the GRE Subject Test registration and the $170 for the GRE General Test. Living in a third world country, that is quite a sum, considering I still have to enlist for the TOEFL (maybe another $150 or so). Thinking of all that money going to waste if I fail the tests is quite an anxiety booster for me. The real challenge now is to channel that anxiety in a positive way - and that is by heading for the books!

Are you in an "Interfacial" Marriage?

Are you in an inter-facial marriage? Yes, you heard it right -- "interfacial", a term that I read from an article in the Time Magazine (July 2007). According to the author, you are in an "interfacial" marriage if your spouse is not within your level of looks or "hotness" category. She calls this the "last taboo" and to further elaborate, she provided examples of famous couples with such a union such as: Donald and Melania Trump, Franklin and Eleanor Roosevelt, Queen Victoria and Prince Albert, and so forth. To put it bluntly, in an interfacial marriage, one's partner is a lot more good-looking than the other (at least from the perspective of people around them).

Which brings me to a discussion of beauty and physical attraction. What makes a person beautiful?

Although physical beauty is probably the strongest basis for initial attraction, whether or not we end up in a relationship with someone is largely determined by our similarity towards one another. Physical appearance is but one aspect of what makes a person beautiful to others, and what we find physical attractive is very subjective and highly influenced by a lot of factors: biology, socialization, values, and culture. Furthermore, we look for someone who could meet most of our needs - regardless of the fact that the person may or may not be "as attractive" as we are.

Social psychologists propose that there are three aspects of attraction:

a) Person's Attractiveness - aspects of a person that we find attractive
b) Propinquity/Proximity - functional space or distance i.e. we often end up liking people that we frequently work with or spend time with.
c) Similarity - when we perceive others are more similar to us, we end up being attracted to them more.

Hence why we end up being with our partners is a result of the inter-play of the above three factors.

Now going back to the Time magazine article. It is obvious that the essay is a shallow attempt to make light of the author's own insecurities perhaps since she claims she is in an interfacial marriage herself. Personally, I think this creates more stereotypes and labels that prevent us from seeing people for their complete worth. This article unfortunately perpetuates and sadly reinforces the notion that public perceptions and judgment are very important even when it comes to your personal choices in life.

So what if you are in an interfacial, inter-religion, inter-racial (and what have you) marriage? What is important is it is a choice you have made and you are happy with it. What the public thinks does not really matter.

But you already know that. . . don't you?

Our Culture Breeds Violent Men

In my previous work as a crisis counselor, I encountered a number of cases of physical and sexual abuse. I met very young children who were victims of incest (abused by their fathers, uncles, grandfathers, step-father etc.) as well as women who were victims of domestic violence. Although I abhor all forms of violence and support all of its victims (regardless of race, age, or gender), I have observed that most victims of violence are often the women and children. Why is this so?

One explanation that seems to hold a lot of weight is that most of modern cultures are patriarchal in nature. In a culture of patriarchy, men's property rights extend to (and over) both women and children. Hence, men have more power and control as well as privileges than the women.

There are many factors which I think contribute to why women in most societies are often the victims of violence. In this post, I will discuss one, which is the influence of Family Socialization and Parenting Style in a Patriarchal Culture.

According to Bandura's "Social Learning Theory", a child learns to behave aggressively through observation and imitation of aggressive behavior. Parents may reinforce aggressive behavior directly through their own examples, or indirectly when it is seen in the context of "standing up" for himself (herself) instead of being a "cry baby". Hence "crying" is seen as a sign of weakness and often associated with a girl's behavior, while aggression in males are more tolerated and in some degrees expected.

In a patriarchal culture, men are generally socialized to be more aggressive than the females. This could be observed for example, in the types of toys and games that we encourage our children to play with early on in their childhood (i.e. toy guns, balls, trains, trucks for our sons, while dolls, toy houses, and the like for our daughtersa). Similarly, we are more tolerant of our sons when they engage in rough play ("boys will be boys") since we expect that it goes with the territory of being males. Hence, early on, we are already socializing and preparing them to their stereotyped gender roles - for the boys to be strong and aggressive, and for the girls to be nurturing, weak and emotional.

In dating relationships, the males are expected to be the "pursuers" and the women are the "pursued". Although this practice is slowly changing, this is still the norm especially in most Asian countries. Similarly, there is a belief that women initially "play hard to get" when they turn down men who pursue them. Men on the other hand, find this as a challenge and "push" harder. When taken to the extreme, this leads to date rape and the perpetuation of the rape myth that "women mean yes when they say no".

Furthermore, the sense of "ownership" that males feel over their wives/girlfriends/daughters/sisters etc. somehow also provides them justification for domestic violence. Because of this unequal power relationship, women are more prone to abuse than the men.

This is one of the reasons why I think our culture breeds violent men . . . any violent reactions?!

Minimax Theory in Love Relationships: Why We Choose to Stay or Leave

Why do people stay in a relationship? Regardless of the type of relationships that we have and maintain, we stay in them because we get a lot of benefits from them. This may sound too practical and seemingly callous and cold. One might argue and say "What about love? People stay in a relationship because of love". Although the romantic side of us would probably insist that we keep a relationship out of love, in essence we do "love" someone because we have realized that a lot would be gained in "loving" that certain person. At least this is what the "Minimax Theory" (social exchange theory) in psychology proposes.

According to this theory, we perform a series of "cost-benefits analysis" before we decide to enter and maintain any relationship. If we see that there are more benefits and rewards to be reaped from a certain relationship with somebody, then the likelihood of us establishing and sustaining that relationship is high. As a guiding principle of relationships, it states that we only desire to maintain relationships that provide us with the maximum gains and the minimum costs and/or losses.

The theory actually makes a lot of logical sense although it somehow strips away the romanticized notion of love and falling in love, and reduces it to a business proposition. We all have needs and we all possess something that others may specifically need. Hence in love relationships in particular, we seek the person(s) that ultimately would provide most of our needs and would require us the minimum cost to have those needs met. Benefits and costs can pertain to both physical and abstract aspects (i.e. material, sex, emotional etc.).

From this perspective, love and loving someone is seen as a decision more than a feeling. And so when people say that they have fallen out of love for each other, it may simply mean that they no longer feel that neither could satisfy most of their needs the most, and/or it has become too costly and no longer worth the benefits that they are getting from it. Thus, we have the phrase "she/he/ the relationship is becoming (too ) high maintenance".

Given that a growing number of marriages end up in divorce, this theory provides us a better handle in understanding where our martial issues are coming from. It is true that is easier to fall in and out of love than staying in love, because every day we consciously or unconsciously make that cost-benefit evaluation of our relationships. The challenge therefore lies in finding more reasons as to why we should stay and keep a relationship or making those reasons happen if we find ourselves wanting for one.

ADHD Treatment and Options

In my previous post, I wrote about several symptoms of ADHD and the importance of seeking professional help if you suspect that your child might have it. I likewise mentioned in general the various interventions used in dealing with its symptoms. Below, I will describe the various approaches and modalities that I am familiar with which are being used in helping a child with ADHD:

1. Counseling and therapy

Children with ADHD need to develop insight on why they may behave "differently" from others and to be taught strategies in regulating their behaviors. Often, I have encountered parents who are frustrated with their children who do not seem to "listen". They expect their children to behave (i.e. sit quietly, stop running around, etc.) after several warnings and though their children attempt to do so, they are often angered to find out that the "good behavior" is very temporary. Hence, they find themselves constantly scolding their children and/or nagging them. What they fail to understand is that children with ADHD have the urges and impulses to be active and that when they start fidgeting, or running around again, it is not completely because they are testing limits. They simply might not have no idea as to how to divert the excessive energy they have into something more acceptable and/or productive.

Sometimes, parents resort to threatening their children since they they feel that it seems to be the only effective way of keeping them in line. Children with ADHD on the other hand feels confused and helpless since though they feel they are trying to "behave", they still end up getting in trouble one way or another for any of the following reasons: constantly forgetting their assignments, failing to do their chores, being too rough or active, being too noisy or inattentive in class, etc. As they continually "disappoint" their significant others and authority figures (parents, teachers, caregivers etc) and get punished for this, it leads to a downward spiral of anger and confusion in both the parents and child. Eventually, other problems develop such as low self-esteem, low grades, negative attitude towards school and family etc.

Occupational Therapy, Counseling and use of Behavior Modication Techniques are helpful in helping children develop alternative ways of behaving and regulating their impulses. Similarly, family counseling can be beneficial in creating family interactions that are positive and supportive to each other, particularly to the child with ADHD. Parents are taught skills on how to enforce limits and help a child with ADHD develop a positive self-image. Furthermore, counseling goals for a child with ADHD could include: increasing frustration tolerance, teaching better planning and organizing skills, improving study habits, improving self-esteem, etc.

Among the advantages of this type of intervention are: a) Helps the family and the child with ADHD to develop awareness and insight on the symptoms of ADHD and its consequences. Child is imparted with life skills that are useful long-term; and b) No internal side effects on the body.

However, the positive effects and results are not not instant or immediate. Hence it is time-consuming and can be quite expensive. Furthermore, the results vary depending on the commitment of the child (family) to attend regular counseling and/or therapy, as well as on the skills of the therapist. In addition, counseling may not be very effective for children with severe symptoms of hyperactivity, inattention and impulsivity.

2. Drugs

There are several drugs that are being prescribed for children with ADHD. In the past, Ritalin was the most common drug that was used to help minimize the symptoms of ADHD particularly the hyperactivity, inattention and impulsivity. Now, new drugs have been developed which apparently have less side effects than Ritalin such as Strattera and Concerta, among others. Regardless of the type and brand of drugs that you would use, it is important to note that these drugs should be prescribed by a qualified health professional (developmental pediatrician or pediatrician) in order to determine the right dosage that is appropriate for your children.

For most of the cases, the effects of the drugs on a child's behavior are quite immediate and these behavioral changes are usually readily observed by the parents (i.e. less active, more focus in studying which is eventually translated to better grades, less impulsive, etc.). However, these positive effects are not long-lasting. Hence, as soon as the drugs wear off, the symptoms again manifest. This, as well as their side effects of long term-use are among their disadvantages, not to mention the high expenses if you do not have health insurance coverage.

3. Neurotherapy
An alternative to medication is neurotherapy. Some parents who do not wish to have their children medicated can opt for this intervention which involves brainwave biofeedback. Since ADHD is a considered to be a nuerologic disorder, particularly involving abnormal electrical brain activity, neurotherapy is used to re-train the abnormal brain waves. This procedure is not invasive and has long-term effects. Minimum number of sessions range from 20-40 depending on the severity of the symptoms. This approach has produced promising results with continuous feedback, coaching and practice.

Past researches (as well as personal experience working with children with ADHD) suggest that the most effective approach is usually the combination of one or two forms of intervention i.e. use counseling, behavior modification with medication or neurotherapy.

Does My Child Have ADHD?

ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) has become a label that is often freely used by most people nowadays. I have heard people who used this label to describe someone who seems to be inattentive and/or restless, or a describe a child who is constantly misbehaving. So what is ADHD? How can you tell if your child might have ADHD and needs further evaluation?

First off, let me clarify that ADHD is not an illness but a disorder that is neurologic in nature. Hence unlike most illnesses that have cures, ADHD is considered to be a lifetime disorder and cannot be cured (unless new and innovative research would prove otherwise). It is not a fever that would go away once you pop in a pill. For most cases (except for brain injury or toxins acquired prenatally or postnatal), a person is either born with it or not. Hence, heredity plays a big role in the picture.

People born with ADHD are often observed to have poor ability to focus or sustain their interests in doing certain tasks. They are easily bored, tend to get easily distracted, hyperactive, have poor impulse control, and often forgetful. They usually have a high craving for constant stimulation and most are risk takers. It is therefore understandable that most ADHDs would have difficulty in sustaining an 8am-5pm routine job unless it provides them the stimulation that they need.

For very young children, symptoms of hyperactivity could be in the form of very high motor activity (running around, cannot sit still, very fidgety, restlessness). Manifestations of impulsivity could be through: talking incessantly and/or blurting out things even if not asked, poor waiting or turn-taking skills. For inattention, manifestations include: constantly losing things (whether at school or any other place), forgetfulness, clumsiness (toppling/falling over things, breaking things, getting involved in minor accidents). Because they get easily bored, they tend to be very impatient and have poor frustration tolerance (temper tantrums, easily angered, hitting even for some). For parents of these young children, the experience of rearing them without professional support could be emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausting.

Children with ADHD who do not receive appropriate interventions often develop other personal and social problems in the future such as low self-esteem, poor grades, oppositional disorder, addictions, lack of career direction, depression and so forth.

Although I have mentioned earlier that it has no cure, there are numerous interventions available in order to manage its symptoms. Children with ADHD can lead normal lives, attend regular school and be successful. Depending on the severity of the symptoms, behavior modification techniques, therapy and counseling, and/or medications (Ritalin, Concerta, Strattera, among others), as well as neurotherapy, can be used to help children with ADHD cope and manage their disorder. What is important is knowing and seeking the appropriate forms of interventions available and TAKING ACTION AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.

In my experience, some parents find it difficult to accept that their child might have ADHD and would refuse any form of intervention suggested to them. This to me is a bigger problem than the diagnosis itself. In a way, their reaction is quite understandable since most often than not, they associate an ADHD diagnosis as a warrant of doom for their children. Maybe it stems from the stigma that most people associate with any form of mental disorder and illnesses. I guess the stereotypes that we have towards mental health issues prevent most parents to see beyond the labels and take stock of what actually could be done to manage the disorder.

Early detection and appropriate intervention(s) are crucial keys in helping your children if you suspect that they might have ADHD. Seek professional help and do not hesitate to do your own research. Knowing and accepting that there is a problem is already winning half of the battle.

In my next post, I will be discussing specific forms of interventions, effects and pros and cons of each, as well as personal experiences in dealing with children/adolescents with ADHD.

My Johari Window

Johari Window is a model used to describe the process of human interactions. It was named after the first names of its inventors, Joseph Luft and Harry Ingham.

Basically, this model can be likened to a window with four panes: open, blind, hidden and unknown. Our self-awareness are measured according to how big each of these panes are. Simply put, there are some aspects about ourselves that are open to us and for others to see, in the same way that there are aspects about us that we may be blind to but are known to people around us. In addition, there are simply things about us that we keep hidden to people, secrets that we guard maybe out of fear that they would treat us differently or reject us once they find out about them. Lastly, there are still aspects about us that are still unknown, even from ourselves, and waiting to be discovered.

Personally, I find this model extremely useful as I navigate through the often convoluted process of human interactions. Sigmund Freud (one of the influential figures in psychology) theorized that our consciousness is like the tip of the iceberg, and that the big chunk of the iceberg which is submerged in water is our unconscious that remains hidden. It is said that self-awareness is the first step towards better interaction with others. What we know about ourselves, what others know about us and what we do with that knowledge and awareness are keys in better understanding our humanity and what bonds us together. Indeed, life is a never ending quest to know oneself, for it is in knowing ourselves that we get to know others.